I just canceled my gym membership. It’s not because I am planning on being lazy and out of shape (although I might be both of those things). Steve and I bought a treadmill this weekend, reasoning that it was more cost effective than maintaining my gym membership, since he can use it too.
I must admit, though, that I’m a little sad about canceling. I feel like I’ve had that membership forever. I remember when I used to go early in the morning every day without fail, seeing the same friendly – but nameless –faces. And I remember some great workouts. It hasn’t been that way for a while, though. The club that is closest to where we live now is kind of a trek, and I just don’t like it as much as some of the other ones I used to frequent. Canceling is the right choice.
So, in celebration of my last few days as a gym-goer, here is my Top Ten List of 12 Things I Will Not Miss About Going to the Gym:
12) People Who Only go to the Gym in January: I have a friend who teaches group exercise classes and calls these people “Resolutioners.” For the month of January, and maybe February too, the gym is always more crowded than usual. I always found this annoying because it sometimes made it difficult to get a workout done in a timely fashion. By March, everyone has given up on those resolutions and things get back to normal.
11) People Who Don’t Wipe Down the Machines: There is nothing grosser than approaching a piece of equipment and noticing that it is covered in someone elses sweat. My particular gym required members to bring towels. In fact, if you forgot, you had to buy one from them at a cost of $3.75 (happened to me once). You’ve got a towel, use it! There’s even paper towels and disinfectant spray located conveniently around the room if you want to be especially conscientious! Seriously, no one wants to clean up your bodily secretions for you. Really.
10) People Who are Overly Cautious About Wiping Down the Machines: I once lived in an apartment building in San Francisco with a small gym in the basement. I was usually the first one there in the morning, early bird that I was at the time. There was another woman who came in shortly thereafter several times a week. She would go directly to the paper towel dispenser for two towels, one of which she soaked thoroughly in the drinking fountain. She then proceeded to wipe down a treadmill, including the entire surface of the display console and the handrails, with the wet towel, and then dry it with the other. And then she would begin her run.
I understand the need to wipe a machine off if somebody has left pools of sweat all over it, but when you’re the first user of the day, do you really need to wash the thing down? What are you planning to do, lick it? Or do you not wash your hands or, I don’t know, shower, when you are done? We live in a world where we are sometimes compelled to touch things that others have previously touched. Get over it.
9) People Who Smell: Admittedly, we need to be a little lenient about smells at the gym because people are working hard and sweating and there is going to be a little bit of body odor. It’s simply unavoidable. There is, however, a fine line between acceptable body odor and truly offensive body odor. If you get on a machine and the people surrounding you move, this applies to you. Please, consider a swipe or two of deodorant before you work out and by all means wear clean clothes. Other gym patrons will thank you for it.
8) People Who Listen to Music so Loud You Can Hear the Words: If your music is so loud other people can recognize the song, it’s too loud. You’re going to rupture your eardrums! Oh, and singing along is also not okay. If you were any good, you’d be on MTV. Save it for the shower.
7) People Who Talk on the Phone: This one is on par with listening to music too loud in terms of competing with my own music and/or thoughts. Plus, I don’t really need to know how poorly your Uncle Bud’s parole hearing went, or how that terrible rash you have just isn’t clearing up. I’m all for multitasking when it makes sense, but how can you really get a good workout when you’re talking on the phone?
6) People Who Don’t Respect Cardio Time Limits: Most gyms that I have been to limit cardio machines to 30 minutes when people are waiting. I know, 30 minutes does not seem like a lot of time to get the heart pumping, especially when you factor in warm up and cool down time. That’s why I try to go at times of day when the gym isn’t crowded, so I know I can exceed the limit because there is no one waiting. If there is a line, I’m off when I reach the limit. It’s just common courtesy. I once waited more than 30 minutes to get on a treadmill. That means that every single person on those treadmills exceeded the time limit. How would you feel if you were waiting that long and some people had been on for over an hour? That’s what I thought.
5) People Who Come in Business Casual Dress: Dress shirts, Dockers, and loafers are not appropriate gym attire. If you are too lazy to change into gym clothes, go back to your cube and eat your lunch at your desk.
Note: Black socks with athletic shoes are also a no-no.
4) People Who Use the Machine Right Next to You When Every Other Machine is Vacant: There’s this concept called “personal space” that seems to be going by the wayside. I mostly notice this in line at the grocery store, where there is always a cart poking me in the butt, but it applies at the gym too. If there are 12 treadmills and only one is in use, don’t use one next to that person. It’s creepy. Take advantage of the luxury of space and choose a machine one or two down.
3) People Who Use the Equipment Without Really Using the Equipment: These people sit on the machines, precluding your use, doing something other than lifting weights or cycling, or whatever. Usually it’s reading. I get that you need to rest between sets on the weight machines, but do you really have to read a chapter in your book after every three reps? If you wanted to read your book, you could have stayed home and out of my way. If it’s not reading, it’s sitting on the equipment and talking, which is often worse because it may involve the talkers monopolizing not one but two pieces of equipment.
2) People Who are not Really There to Work Out: You know who I’m talking about. It’s the 18-year-old girls in the Juicy track suits or some other ridiculous get-up with writing across the butt, brand-spankin’ new designer sneakers, long flowing tresses unhindered by a ponytail elastic or headband, impeccable make-up, and carrying Starbucks. No water bottle, no towel, and, most importantly, not a drop of sweat. That would clearly interfere with primary purpose of the trip to the gym, which is to meet hot, muscular guys. Funny, I always assumed any interesting guys at the gym might find sweat a little bit sexy. I mean, my sister, who wears a ponytail and sensible clothes and actually exercises, met her husband at the gym, and I met my husband on my way home from the gym, sweaty from spin class. But what do I know?
1) Hot Pants Lady: This particular hot pants lady may be specific to my old gym, but I’m sure there are others like her. She’s a woman, probably in her mid- to late-60s, who is at the gym every day. She is clearly active and likes to stay fit, which is great. But she wears hot pants. Really, really short hot pants. I don’t care how active and fit you are, by the time you are in your 60s, you are going to have some cottage cheese going on. And she does have some cottage cheese going on. Don’t get me wrong, I hope that I look as good as she does when I’m in my 60s, but if I do, I still don’t think I will wear hot pants. On top of that, when she sits down on a machine, I can’t help but wonder what she is sitting on. Is there really enough – or any – fabric between her naughty bits and the seat?
Actually, I think I will kind of miss Hot Pants Lady. Her pants may be too short, but at least she’s an interesting character. That’s probably what I will miss most about going to the gym, watching all the different characters that come in and out. Not many people to watch from this new treadmill at home, but this time convenience wins.
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